Parenting Adolescents: 
Understanding the Challenges—and the Rewards

Before we talk about helping adolescents grow spiritually, we first need to understand what adolescence is really like.

This stage of life brings enormous changes. Young people change physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually—often all at the same time. To make matters even more interesting, many parents carry around a collection of myths about adolescence that can make them approach these years with more fear than confidence.

Let's clear up a few of the most common ones.

Myth #1:

Puberty is going to turn my sweet child into some strange alien life form determined to destroy everything I hold dear.

The Truth:
Puberty certainly brings change—for both you and your child—but it doesn't have to become a battlefield. Yes, there will be challenges. There will be moments when you wonder what happened to the little person who used to think you knew everything. But adolescence doesn't have to be a negative or destructive experience. With patience, love, and a healthy sense of humor, it can become one of the most meaningful seasons of family life.

Myth #2:

I had a miserable adolescence, so I need to protect my child from experiencing the same pain.

The Truth:
Your child isn't living your adolescence.

They will have their own victories, disappointments, friendships, mistakes, and life lessons. You can't spare them from growing up, nor should you try. What you can do is walk beside them, remembering that this is their journey—not yours.

The good news is that you've already traveled this road once. You survived it. You've learned a few things along the way. Those experiences don't allow you to remove every obstacle, but they do help you become a wiser guide.

Myth #3:

I have to know exactly how to handle my adolescent. If I make mistakes, they' will never become a responsible adult.

The Truth:
Every adolescent is different.

There is no instruction manual that works for every child. You won't be able to control every decision they make or guarantee who they eventually become.

And yes, you are going to make mistakes.

Every parent does.

Fortunately, children are remarkably resilient, and most grow into responsible, productive adults despite their parents' imperfections. The most important parenting skill isn't having all the answers. It's remaining flexible, continuing to learn, and loving your child through the good days, the bad days, and the days when neither of you particularly likes adolescence.

So...What Is Adolescence Really Like?

If you're reading this as an adult, congratulations—you made it through adolescence.

One of the most valuable lessons you can take from your own experience is realizing that your child's journey won't look exactly like yours. Every generation faces different challenges, and every child experiences adolescence in a unique way.

Besides, if you're like most of us, trying to remember exactly what was happening in your own mind at thirteen or fourteen is a little like trying to remember yesterday's dream. You know something important happened—you just can't quite reconstruct it.

Adolescence can begin as early as age ten and continue well into the late teens or even early twenties. During those years, almost every part of a young person's life is undergoing significant change.

Their bodies are changing.

Their emotions are changing.

Their friendships are changing.

Their thinking is changing.

Their relationships with parents are changing.

Even the way they see themselves—and the world around them—is changing.

Years ago, a friend of mine who was also a counselor described adolescence this way:

"It's like having one foot in childhood and the other in adulthood while water-skiing through space and time, trying desperately not to fall into the water somewhere in between."

I've never forgotten that description because it captures the experience remarkably well.

Fortunately, all those changes serve an important purpose. They prepare children to become healthy, independent, responsible adults.

The question isn't whether adolescents will change.

The question is whether they'll experience those changes in an environment that's loving, stable, respectful, safe, and trustworthy.

Parents can't eliminate the storms of adolescence, but they can provide a safe harbor where their children know they are always loved.

That may sound like a tall order.

Sometimes it is.

But I can honestly say that helping a young person develop character, values, confidence, compassion, and wisdom is one of the greatest adventures life has to offer.

The rewards far outweigh the challenges.

What Changes Should Parents Expect?
Let's look at some of the major areas of adolescent development.

Physical Changes

The most obvious changes are physical.

As hormones begin doing what hormones were designed to do, children gradually develop into young adults. Growth spurts appear almost overnight. Energy levels fluctuate. Height and weight change. Muscles develop. In males voices deepen. Acne arrives uninvited. Body odor becomes something everyone suddenly notices, and body hair begins making unexpected appearances.

These changes affect far more than appearance.

They influence how adolescents see themselves, how their peers respond to them, and even how adults treat them. That's one reason these years can feel so emotionally intense.

Emotional Changes

Adolescents also become much more aware of their own emotions and much more concerned about what other people think—especially their friends.

As a result, emotions can sometimes seem to operate at full volume.

Mood swings, social conflicts, family disagreements, growing independence, occasional defiance, and heightened sensitivity are all common parts of this stage of development.

While these behaviors can be frustrating for parents, they are usually signs that young people are learning how to understand and regulate emotions they have never experienced before.

Thinking and Reasoning Changes

One of the biggest transformations happens inside the brain.

Adolescents are developing new ways of thinking. They begin asking deeper questions, considering abstract ideas, imagining future possibilities, and learning how to solve increasingly complex problems.

The challenge is that these thinking skills develop gradually.

The parts of the brain responsible for judgment, planning, self-control, and anticipating consequences are still maturing. That's one reason adolescents sometimes make decisions that leave parents completely bewildered.

Imagine your teenager has just done something that seems obviously dangerous or completely irrational.

Naturally, you ask,

"Why on earth did you do that?"

Their answer?

"I don't know."

Most parents immediately think,

"How can you not know? You were the one who did it!"

But here's the surprising part.

Many adolescents genuinely don't know.

They aren't trying to be evasive. In many cases, they really haven't yet developed the ability to pause, think through every consequence, and explain the chain of reasoning that led to their decision.

That ability develops over time—and with practice.

Which brings us to one of the most important jobs parents have.

Helping Build a Healthy Brain

During adolescence, the brain is constantly strengthening the connections that are used most often while gradually eliminating those that aren't. Think of it as remodeling a house while people are still living inside it.

That's why repeated experiences matter so much.

Every healthy conversation...

Every thoughtful decision...

Every lesson about kindness...

Every opportunity to solve problems...

Every discussion about consequences...

helps strengthen patterns of thinking that adolescents will rely on as adults.

I've often said that children are like wet cement.

Whatever falls on them leaves an impression.

That is especially true during adolescence.

The people they spend time with, the messages they hear, the values they observe, and the boundaries parents establish all shape how their minds learn to think.

That's why loving, consistent boundaries are so important.

Will adolescents push those boundaries?

Absolutely.

Will they argue with them?

Probably.

Will they occasionally act as though your rules are the greatest injustice in human history?

Almost certainly.

But boundaries communicate something every adolescent desperately needs to know:

"Someone loves me enough to protect me while I'm still learning how to protect myself."

And that's one of the greatest gifts a parent can give.

have those boundaries. 

As a Parent, What Rewards Can You Expect During Adolescence?
By now, you may be wondering if there are any rewards hidden among all the mood swings, eye rolls, late-night conversations, and occasional bouts of teenage drama.
The answer is a resounding yes.
In fact, while adolescence can be one of the most challenging seasons of parenting, it can also be one of the most rewarding. If you're paying attention, you'll have the privilege of watching your child gradually become the adult they were created to be.
Here are just a few of the wonderful payoffs you can expect along the way.

A Growing Sense of Self

One of the most important things an adolescent is trying to answer is the question, "Who am I?"

How they answer that question shapes how they feel about themselves. Their self-worth is influenced by many things—the encouragement they receive from family, acceptance by friends, their successes and failures, and the way they see themselves in the mirror.

That means parents have an incredible opportunity.

Every encouraging word...

Every expression of confidence...

Every time you recognize effort instead of just achievement...

Every reminder that they are loved simply because they are your child...

helps build a healthy sense of self-worth.

Research consistently shows that adolescents with a positive self-image tend to perform better academically, enjoy healthier relationships, and cope more effectively with life's challenges.

Body image is another area where parents can make a tremendous difference. Nearly every adolescent becomes more aware—and often more critical—of their appearance. Those moments create wonderful opportunities to teach healthy self-care, encourage confidence, and remind your child that their value has never depended on their appearance.

Will you have to repeat these messages over and over?

Absolutely.

Sometimes you'll wonder if they're hearing a single word you're saying.

But they are listening more than you realize.

Never underestimate the power of consistent encouragement.

Watching Adult Thinking Begin to Emerge

One of my favorite moments in parenting is when you suddenly realize you're no longer talking to a child.

Young children understand the world mostly through things they can see, touch, or immediately experience. As adolescents mature, however, their minds begin to grasp much larger ideas—love, justice, purpose, responsibility, faith, and the consequences of today's choices on tomorrow's future.

Their ability to think abstractly grows a little more each year.

Then one day it happens.

You're sitting across the table having what begins as an ordinary conversation, and suddenly your son or daughter says something thoughtful... insightful... maybe even wise.

For just a moment, you catch a glimpse of the adult they're becoming.

Those moments are priceless.

They remind you that all those years of teaching, listening, correcting, encouraging, and praying have been quietly shaping the person sitting in front of you.

Those Wonderful Moments When They're Still Your Little Child

Here's something many parents don't expect.

Even while adolescents are pushing for independence and insisting they don't need your help anymore, there are still moments when they simply want to be your child.

I remember that even when my own children were well into their teenage years, there were times when they didn't want advice.

They didn't want a lecture.

They didn't even want me to solve the problem.

They just wanted to sit close, be hugged, and know they were safe.

For a few precious minutes, they wanted to feel what they had always felt as little children—that Mom or Dad was still the safest place in the world.

Never take those moments for granted.

They don't happen every day, but when they do, they're among the greatest gifts of parenting.

They Really Do Grow Up

This is perhaps the sweetest—and most bittersweet—reward of all.

Despite all the struggles, the uncertainty, and the moments when you wonder if they'll ever figure life out...

They do grow up.

They begin making their own decisions.

They build careers.

They create families.

They discover who they are.

One of the hardest parts of parenting is learning to let them build a life that belongs to them, not to us.

That doesn't mean we stop loving them.

It simply means our role changes.

We move from directing their lives to cheering them on from the sidelines.

And here's one more piece of good news.

Even after they move out—assuming they ever do—they're never really gone.

They'll always be your child.

You'll never stop being their parent.

The relationship changes, but the love doesn't.

My grandmother had a wonderful way of putting it.
She used to say,

"You know you've done a pretty good job as a parent if all your children are paying their own rent, nobody's in jail, and they're all still speaking to you."

I've always thought there was a lot more wisdom than humor in that little saying.

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